Lost Without Hope
by Nuttyginger
Summary: Sort of a rewrite of 'Parting Gifts' with a twist. What happenes when your carbreaks down and you've forgotten to charge your Cell phone. The combacks can be dire. Angel struggles to find Cordelia and when he does, does she want to be found by Angel? Cryp
1. Default Chapter

OK this is a new story. I tried to write it as one peace but I guess I couldn't. This is kinda instead of Parting Gifts. I reworked it because I thought  
it was a little sloppy. In MY story, Wesley is already there and MY story the eppy takes place over a bigger time scale. Confused?? I was just read  
and the mist will clear.  
Disclaimer: The usual; I own nothing and Joss and WB, Fox and Mutant (grr, arr) Enemy Inc Do. I own the plot, sort of, under copyright laws!!!! He  
He He.  
Summary: What not to do when your car breaks down, it'll teach ya to charge your cell phone up before making a journey in the dark!! Cryptic as  
usual.  
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Lost Without Hope  
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Cordelia slammed her fists down on the steering wheel in frustration.   
  
"Ahh, why me? I had this thing fixed three days ago." She reached for her cell phone to phone Angel. She carefully dialled Angels apartment number and waited for him to pick up. Instead she got the answering phone and the familiar sound of her voice.  
  
"Angel Investigations. We help the helpless. If this is an emergency please contact..." Cordelia listened impatiently as she emphasised Angels mobile number, then the tone.  
  
"Hi Angel, it's me. I've broken down and I need you help. I'm on..."   
  
The phone abruptly cut off. She looked at the battery life, completely dead. She screamed again, throwing the cell phone into the open passenger seat of her car.  
  
'It's only four blocks to the office, I'll walk. It maybe dark and full of demons but I'll walk' She muttered to herself. She began to walk down the block. Cordelia felt a hand tightly grasp her mouth and pull her into an alley. The Adeline released itself into her body and she started to struggle only to be knocked out by a sever blow to the head. The last thing she saw was a man wearing a gold amulet around his neck smiling and slowly muttering the words, 'Well Done!' to her capture.  
  
Two Hours Later At Angel Investigations:  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
Angel paced the floor, listening to the message for the seventh time.  
  
"It's no use Angel she didn't get a chance to tell us where she was."  
  
Wesley immediately stopped at the growl from the Vampire let out in his direction.  
  
"There's a train in the background and I can hear a clock striking just once. Wesley get looking at the city map, look for railway tracks with a bell clock or a church near-by. I'm going for a look around, maybe I can find her. Oh and call Kate ask her to keep an eye out for her." Angel grabbed his duster and headed for the demonised streets of his city.  
  
Meanwhile:  
----------------  
  
Cordelia felt herself being bundled onto a cold, concrete floor. She forced herself to wake and look around. Cordelia shook off the pain at the back of her head and the groggy feeling that went with begin knocked unconscious. She was amazed and disgusted at the sight around her. There were cold, metal cages piled to the ceiling, each about 7 foot square. Demons paced the floor of each on. Some wore the look of confusion while the rest had a look all to familiar to her. She had seen it in Angels eyes for the day that everyone forgot; it was a look of wanting to die. The chains rattled at her wrists but her legs were free to walk and pace just like the other demons. But she wasn't a demon, she was human, she wasn't meant to be here. Cordelia looked at the chains that bound her wrists, a small plague had been soldered on to her left hand wrist.   
  
'SEER'  
'12,000 - REMOVED'  
  
Cordelia stared at it, unable to decode it's hidden meaning except it was about her ability as a seer. Her pacing gradually slowed as two men wearing white coats muttered about her outside her cell. One of them walked up to her and stabbed a needle in her arm. Within a few seconds the world went dark.  
  
Four Blocks Away From Angel Investigation:  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Angel had seem her car as he frantically searched the LA streets for his seer, his friend. It had been 5 hours since she had left the message on the answering machine and there was still no sign of her. He looked over her car, spotting her cell phone, carelessly thrown into the seat. He sniffed the air. Her scent was here, fresh, he also smelt Vampires, demons and a human scent as well, fear distinctly in the air. Angel walked back towards AI hoping that Cordelia had ran that way. He abruptly stopped as he scent ended, a glimmering object caught his eye in a nearby alley. Angel cautiously picked it up, examining it in his fingers. Dread, fear and anger filled his heart at once as he realised he was holding Cordelias bracelet. Xander had given her the blue stoned trinket as their one month anniversary present and she never took it off, never. He held the bracelet tight in his hand, as if it were his last chance. He pulled out his cell phone and dialled the LAPD number.  
  
"Kate, I've got a problem. Something has happened to Cordelia, something non-human."  
  
  
Back At The Demon 'Prison':  
--------------------------------------  
  
Cordelia came around for the second time, the groggy feeling filling her vision again, without the sore head. She found herself in a white room, strapped to a clinical bed, the two doctors from before talking loudly now.  
  
"I don't understand, we removed then from the last one, why not her?" The first doctor asked.  
  
"She's human, I've never known a human seer before. That last one was a demon, weak. We have to keep on trying or the boss won't be happy, she worth a lot to him."   
  
Cordelia tried to pull at the IV lines in her arms but didn't have time before she black out again.  
  
One Week Later:  
------------------------  
  
Wesley sat over the telephone ringing around all the hospitals in LA and Sunnydale. It was his daily task as well as ringing Giles in Sunnydale to see if Cordelia had turned up there. Angel sat in his closed up office listening to the answer phone message again as if it were it his last line to Cordelia. The message gave in hope and he felt like she was there if he closed his eyes and listened to her frustrated voice mixed with annoyance. The way he sat now reminded him of when Doyle died, Cordelia had watched the commercial that they had made that day. There was one difference, Cordelia was alive and she would be home soon. He hoped.  
  
A White Room In The Demon 'Prison':  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
The white coated doctors sat in the corner talking among themselves. It had been a week of constant injections, electro-treatment and prodding. Cordelia lay on the table, restricted, at last giving into her fate. She had learned why she was here on the third day. She had been kidnapped, not because of Angel, but for her seeing ability. They had been trying to take her visions but after the third day she had hung on to them for dear life. Cordelia wouldn't let them take her last link to Doyle, to take away her ability to help people that needed her, to rob her of her purpose at Angel Investigations. The fact that she could give other people hope gave her a reason to fight on when the worse came to the worse. They gave her  
strength to accept the world she lived in without going insane. Plus they were the only thing that was giving her hope. If they couldn't take her power then she wouldn't kill her, she hoped. The demon that had told her about what they were doing to her, also told her what the things on her wrist meant. It meant that she could be sold for $12,000 if her seeing ability was removed, her main interest was from Wolfram and Hart. Her body ached, each muscle contacting with the electrical impulses, her head pounding from all the induced visions they had caused as well as the ones from the PTB. The doctors walked over to her, thinking she was sleep, and began talking about her.   
  
"You do realise that if we can't take her power then she will be worth less. Not to mention she is human. The boss won't be happy." The first doctor said, shaking his head.  
  
"Yes but she's very pretty for a human, and she belongs to the warrior so the Senior Partners will pay a high price for her. She can't be sold right away, she's too weak now. The bid at the Plaza LA should be just the right time, gives us time to work out what controls them and how to make them appear on command. Gentlemen, I think we're looking at our next project."  
  
Cordelia turned her head to the side, her limp hair obscuring the view of the doctors. She made a wish and a prayer which she hadn't done in a long time. She wished that her torment would be over and she prayed that Angel would find her soon before she lost all will to fight on.  
  
LA:  
----  
  
Angel stood in front of the stone building, his body crying out in pain. The church was his last hope. He had searched and threatened every snitch he knew. God was his last hope. He hadn't been into a church since two weeks before he was turned. His father had forced him to go to Mass, threatening him with dis-inheritance if he didn't. Angel walked slowly up the stone stairs unsure of what to do when he reached the heavy wooden doors. The door creaked under his weight. The church was dark as he sat on the wooden pew near the front. The statue of the virgin Mary was lit up in front of him, giving in one shred of hope. The minister slowly shuffled out of his side office, stopping dead at the sight of Angel. He grabbed his  
cross and raised it up towards Angel.  
  
"Get out of here, you do not belong here. Your a child of the devil, get out."  
  
Angel rose his head slowly and looked straight at the minister. A bloody tear ran down his cheek. "I am no longer a son of the devil, I am souled, cursed for my crimes." He voice in it's full Irish tone, thick with emotion. "I need help, I am losing hope."  
  
The minister took pity on the being before him and sat beside in, his cross still in his hand. "Tell me, what is your trouble?"  
  
"I have lost my friend, she means the world to me and I cannot find her. She was an employee of mine, my best friend. I need to find her. She was kidnapped and I don't know where she is. I've been looking for weeks and she's just vanished. I'm losing hope and I can't 'Cos she needs me to be strong for her. Nobody understands because they just see the Vampire, they don't see a soul breaking in two. I thought if I prayed then maybe I might find answers or some sort of...I don't know."  
  
"The hope you seek comes from your faith of her, not from God. If you keep believing in yourself and believe in what YOU want then it will be fine. Now please leave, your presence is not welcome here by many but never lose you faith for one day it will be all you have."   
  
Angel rose from the pew and walked down the tiled centre of the echoing church. He felt hope build back in his soul and his salvation was close.  
  
In The Demon Lab:  
--------------------------  
  
Cordelia sat on her metal bunk that had been her home for three months now. She looked at the purple scars down her arms from the IV drips and the chemicals that they had pumped into her body. The grey skin on her arms stood testament of the lack of food she had eaten, refusing most of the food they had offered her, not knowing if it was laced with chemicals. They had finally found how to induce her visions but struggled to control them. The extended visions added to her drop in weight but she didn't care anymore. She had passed caring 2 months ago when she had realised that caring made her weaker and Cordelia Chase was not weak. She held on to her hope for dear life but her hope had gone now that she knew Angel wasn't coming to rescue her and take her away. She had told herself everyday that Angel would be there that evening to take her away but 92 nights later she was still waiting, the marks on the wall standing truth to the wasted dream and hope she had given out. A rattle of the metal door to her  
cage slid open and a white coated doctor entered.  
  
"Now Miss Chase, if you come quietly we won't give you any more nasty injections." Cordelia silently nodded. "We're taking you away from here. It's time for you to be sold."  
  
"Sold?" Cordelia huskily whispered, through lack of speech. "What do you mean, sold?"  
  
"You're going to auction now Miss Chase. Wolfram and Hart are very keen to get a hold of you, with or without the visions. Their Senior Partners have been keeping an extra special eye on you." The doctor informed her, talking to her as if she were a child.  
  
Cordelia could do little but watch him and he lead he down a darkened corridor, pulling at her chains when she stumbled through lack of energy. She was bundled into the back of a van before being whisked off into the night.  
  
Angel Investigations:  
----------------------------  
  
Angel entered the office with an almost spring in his step to be greeted by an over enthusiastic Watcher.  
  
"Angel, I have some good news, I think. I got wind of an Auction at the Plaza LA. It's a demon one but there is a leak of the sale of a human seer. I thought it could be Cordelia." Wesley seen he had the Vampire attention so continued. "My source said that they are holding all the artefacts and demons that are for sale in a house in the city centre. It belongs to a human so you can't get in but I will go in and check everything out and let you know."  
  
Wesley set off to the address he had been given while Angel waited back at the office. He frantically paced around the office, it had been two hours since Wesley had left and now he was getting worried. Angel was picking up his duster when Wesley barged into the office, panting and a cut above his eyebrow.   
  
"What happened?" Angel asked the out of breath man in front of him.  
  
"I got to the house and found Cordelia in the cellar. She's fine but she didn't speak to me, she just stared blankly at me. I don't understand, she's lost so much weight, I couldn't believe it. Angel she doesn't look good. I tried to get her out but I triggered some sort of silent alarm and these three heavily build guys came running into the room and I just say got away. Your gonna have to bid against her or try again at the  
auction to rescue her."  
  
Angel sunk down into the chair and put his hands to his face. Where did I all go so wrong? He had failed to protect the person that needed him, and the one person that he needed. The had failed his precious seer and now he had some making up to do.  
  
The Next Day At The Plaza LA:  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Angel crawled up through the sewer access and into the empty main auction room. He picked up a brochure that was sitting on the table and flicked through it. There it was, he spotted the item for a human seer. He briefly read the description.  
_____________________________________________________  
LOT 306: Human seer, Cordelia Chase.  
Powers include being able to   
see future events and once  
belonged to Angelus. Vile supplied  
to induce visions: Main bid  
from Wolfram and Hart.   
  
Price: $15,000 or over  
______________________________________________________  
  
Panic seized his unbeating chest as he read down the description. Wolfram and Hart wanted his seer, no doubt to get at him. They were selling his seer for only $15,000. He wasn't going to bid against Wolfram and Hart and lose. Cordelia was never going on sale in the first place. Angel crept through to the back room. He could see Cordelia sitting on a chair with a blank expression on her face. He was shocked at how grey her skin was even though someone had tried to cover it with make-up, it wasn't working. Angel quietly knocked out the guard that was with her and grabbed Cordelias hand.  
  
"Come on Cordelia, we have to go." She stood looking past him, not moving. "Right we'll do it the heroes way."  
  
Angel picked her up and cradled her in his arms before making his way back tot he sewer entrance. He was about to drop down into the drain when he heard a clearing of a throat behind him. He turned around to find Lindsey staring back at him.  
  
"Where do you think you are going with Miss Cordelia Chase? She belongs to us now. You abandoned her so we are taking her in."  
  
Angel felt his demon stir inside him, his game face showing through. "Cordelia does not belong to anyone, not even me. How dare you think you can buy and sell her as if she is cattle in a market. Lindsey, you come near her or any of my friends I will rip your throat in two. I don't kill humans but I think you just failed the requirements for being classed as human."  
  
Without looking back, Angel jump down the man hole and headed back to AI, Cordelia sleeping in his arms. I was good to feel her and hear her reassuring heartbeat again.  
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The after effects of Cordelias trauma coming up soon. Review and tell me what you think!!!!????   
PS I quit my Physics Higher!!! Yay me. Now I'm gonna drink my sorrows away.  



	2. Part Two

I wrote this while stuck in Edinburgh Waverly after passing my driving test, yay me, and watching the big digital board chance every Glasgow Q' Street to CANCELLED. In the end I got a £45 taxi home only to get stuck in a snow drift! YAY ME AGAIN. Never mind here's part two.  
Disclaimer: Disclaimer: The usual; I own nothing and Joss and WB, Fox and Mutant (grr, arr) Enemy Inc. Do. I own the plot, sort of, under copyright laws!!!! He He He.  
Summary: Summary: What not to do when your car breaks down, it'll teach ya to charge your cell phone up before making a journey in the dark!! Cryptic as usual. OK Cordelia has been found and rescued by Angel three months after she was kidnapped. Now the team at AI must learn to cope with the after effects when minds are already frayed. The only people that can save Angel and Cordelia are each other but they have to get passed guilt, blame and silence to do that.  
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Lost Without Hope - Part Two  
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Angel arrived back at AI to find Wesley waiting expectantly for his return. Cordelia had fallen asleep in his arms a few minutes after they left the hotel. She had tossed, turned and mutter all the way through the half an hour journey across town. He lay Cordelia down on his bed and stood back watching, not believing that she was back after so long. Wesley stood silently by the aged Vampire, not wanting to break to silence but needing to know what had happened to her. He pulled Angel by the shoulder, turning him towards him. They both crept through to the living room where Angel still kept a watchful eye over the sleeping seer.  
  
"Angel, what happened to her?" Wesley asked almost afraid of the answer.  
  
It suddenly hit Angel the way Cordelia now looked, how long he had searched for her, how much he felt that he was to blame because he didn't protect her more. He felt Wesley tap him on the shoulder.  
  
"Angel? Are you OK? I'll make some tea or coffee."  
  
"No, Wesley I'm fine. I just can't believe she's back. God look at her. She didn't deserve this. Did you know that Wolfram and Hart were going to buy her? They treated her like a piece of meat to be fought over. I looked at the auction brochure. She was being sold for $15,000 with a vile of chemicals to induce her visions. They said..." Angel stumbled over his words, the emotion clear on his face . "They said that she once belonged to Angelus, to get a higher price for her. They were selling her because of me, who I used to be."  
  
Angel looked at the Watcher by his side and saw the pity in his eyes. He didn't need the pity, it was Cordelia that needed the pity. "Wesley you better go home, get some sleep. It's been a long day. I'll ring you when she wakes up and we can decide what to do from there."  
  
Angel settled down with his new book while still being able to keep an eye on Cordelias sleeping form. About 2 hours after Wesley, Angel still stood guard in the living room, scared that if he took his eyes off her then she would disappear again. He couldn't handle it if he lost her as well. Losing Doyle had almost finished him off but Cordelia had been there. Losing Doyle had left him feeling as if there was no purpose in life then Cordelia had come home from her audition with a vision and began to fill Doyles shoes but she could never take his place. She had lost him as well. Losing Doyle had left him free to sink into his pit of  
misery and grief he had lived in when first coming to LA but Cordelia had pulled him out of it with her own grief. He had watched her tiny frame shake with tears whenever she thought he wasn't looking. Losing Doyle had brought him a whole new life and he wasn't ready to lose it, not now.  
  
His thoughts were disturbed by a piercing scream filling the air. He flashed across the room to see Cordelia bolted upright in bed, screaming. He flung the book across the polished living room floor as he sprung from the sofa and ran through the kitchen and into the bedroom. It felt like forever at passed to him as he ran through the apartment but in reality it was only 4 seconds had passed. Angel found Cordelia sitting up right, tears streaming down her face but looking, blankly, ahead. Angel had been there for the nightmares after Doyle died and then when she remember the vision she had, had. He used to hear her shouting  
his name everytime she stayed at the apartment. He looked at the stark figure in front of him. Angel sat on the bed next to her and pulled her into her. She didn't respond to him, she sat staring blankly past him in her own world. Angel felt the sweat on his fingers as he brushed her arms, hugging her into him. The coldness of her body alarmed him ass he shivered, the only clue to the outside world that she was alive within.  
  
"Cordelia, you're freezing. We have to warm you up quickly."  
  
He left her side and went into the bathroom. He turned on the shower, shifting it to Cordelias setting. Leaving the room to warm up, Angel went back through to Cordelia. He found her on the floor, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around herself. Angel bent down and looked at her sullen face. Her eyes were absent of any laughter or joy that use to dance. The spark and the fire that he had grown to love about her had long been extinguished.  
  
"We're going to get you in the shower to warm you up a little OK." Cordelia nodded, the only sign of recognition he was given.  
  
Angel scooped her into his arms and carried her feather-weight body into the steamy bathroom. He placed her gently onto the toilet and began to strip her down to her underwear. He stared as the extent of Cordelias frailness was shown. Her ribs stood out obviously as her once flat stomach sunk inward revealing exaggerated hips. Her legs reminded him of the charity adverts for Africa, gone passed the state of malnutrition and now starring. He gasped an unneeded breath but he couldn't help it. He motioned for her to stand but caught her again as she wobbled on her feet.  
  
Angel removed his jumper and trousers to reveal his black Calvin Klein boxers. He pulled her up, supporting her in her strong arms. They both climbed into the hot shower.  
  
Cordelia felt the hot droplets stinging her skin, the feeling of pain she had learned to block long ago. The pain or the comfort was all to real to her in this dream world she had escaped to again. This time was different, it was too vivid for a dream, too real to have Angel beside her again. She stared at his figure in front of her, not allowing herself to connect with it. If she connected with her scene it gave her hope, hope made her weak. If she was weak the doctors would destroy her. She felt Angels hands massaging her shampoo into her hair. The smell of jasmine and apple swirled in her head. She sensed Angel running  
the shower head over her hair, washing away the comforting smell away. She couldn't take it anymore, she had to connect, just for a moment. Cordelia fell slowly into Angels chest, her ear lying in between his two pec muscles, comforted by the sound of his unbeating heart. It was all too real to her.  
  
Angel smiled as she lowered herself, fitting into the shape of his chest. It seemed, to him, that she was searching for a heart beat that wasn't there. He smiled to himself again. Her hands snaked up his chest and wound around his neck. He didn't care if it was in support of if it was her first sign of affection. What mattered was that if he could feel her then she was safe, he could protect her.  
  
Angel turned off the shower and pulled a large fluffy towel around her, drying her off while trying to avoid certain parts of her body. He lifted her out of the shower and back onto the toilet top. He left her sitting and she retreated back into her own world of her own metal bunk and iron bars. She was alone again yet everything in front of her was so real. 'The drugs the doctors are giving me are better than the last ones. I can feel these ones.' She thought ironically to herself. She watched, withdrawn, as Angel came back in and placed her jogging slacks with one of his over-sized black shirts in her arms and left her to get dressed.  
  
Angel left her, with clothes in her arms, thinking that to dress her would just be invasion of privacy and she would kick his ass when she recovered. He hoped. Angel busied himself making a salad and whatever food he could find that Wesley had bought while staying there. Cordelia walked timidly out of the bathroom, Angels shirt drowning her.  
  
"Sit down, I've made some food. You look as if you haven't eaten for a week." Angel said softly, coaxing her to the table.  
  
Cordelia sat down, hunching her knees up to her chest again. Angel placed the salad and ham in front of her. She looked at it warily and started to pick pieces off the plate then tomatoes. After 6 pieces of lettuce and two pieces of tomato, she pushed the plate away. Angel watched as she walked back towards Angels bed. She curled herself up into a tight ball on the top half of the bed. Angel reached for the phone beside him.   
  
"Wesley, it's Angel. She's awake and not good. I need to go and take care of some business, could you come over and keep an eye on Cordelia? I want her under 24 hour supervision."  
  
"Yes OK, you know I will. Is she talking yet?"  
  
"No, she, we had a shower and I made dinner but she only ate the lettuce. I'll speak to you when you get here."  
  
Angel place the phone on the glass table and started to brood over what to do. He heard a crash in the other room. He bolted for the bedroom again for the second time that night. He found Cordelia whimpering on the floor in a vision, not crying just suppressed. He pulled her into his lap and stroked her hair as she slowly came out of it. She opened her eyes and took a second to register the vision was over then began thrashing at Angel.  
  
"Get away from me. I'll tell you just don't hurt me. Get away." Cordelia shouted.  
  
She jumped from his lap and stood baring over him. He could smell the waves of fear emanating from her person.   
  
"Cordelia it's me. Cordelia?" He went to her side and try to reach for her arms. She pulled away from him and looked at him as she would as a stranger.  
  
"I said I would tell you what I seen. God do you guys ever listen. I seen demons the same as usual. I smelt the docks, as usual. I heard the name, as usual. Nothing ever changes with these visions. When will you ever listen?"  
  
Angel went to reach for her again to stop her mindless rant at him. He was confused at what she was saying but in no doubt this is what the people that took her did to her. But she only staggered away, yelling at him.  
  
"No, I told you what happened . You said I tell you, then I wouldn't get anymore injection. Leave me alone!" She shoved Angel as hard as possible against the bed and ran into the living room, and hid behind the couch.  
  
Wesley walked down the darkened stair well, watching every step he took. He could hear shouting and crashing in the apartment. He jump the last few stairs and ran into the apartment. He saw Angel standing in the bedroom and spied Cordelia trying to hide behind the sofa, her hands covering her ears and humming softly to herself.  
  
"My God Angel, what's going on?" He looked at Angel and saw him run a confused hand through his un-gelled hair.  
  
"She had a vision, I held her through it and when she came out of it like I used to do. Then she started thrashing about and I tried to calm her down. I tried to hold her but she started yelling at me about doctors and injections and telling them what the visions were about. Now we know what happened to her while she was gone. There were little purple bruises on her arms like she had been constantly hooked up to a drip."  
  
"I think they tried to find out what happens when she gets these visions and the drip was just to make sure that she didn't die from her hunger strike. So has she said anything else?"  
  
"No, she just curls up in these balls like she is now and hums to herself. I don't know what else to do about her."  
  
"Angel, I hate to suggest it but don't you think that she would be better in a hospital where they have people who can help her through these episodes. You said it yourself, you don't know hat else to do. She needs 24 hours care and you have a city to guard and a redemption to find. You can't look after her and do that at the same time. "  
  
Angel turned and growled at the Watcher. "NO! Do you think they could help her any better than I could. What would happen when she gets a vision? They would strap her to a bed and feed her full of drug then start tests on her to find out what they are. Just like what she's been through. NO! I caused this and I'll fix it. As for the redemption thing, she is my link to my redemption. Without what is the point and the city; for that one YOU are going to call Buffy and ask for her help. Tell her about Cordelia if need be but get her here. Cordelia is the soul I need to save now, the others will just have to put up with someone else." Angel stared at the Watcher. "Well? You can use the phone upstairs."  
  
Wesley sulked back upstairs and picked up the phone in Angels office. He dialled the familiar Sunnydale number and waited for the pick up.  
  
"Hello." The unamused English voice answered.  
  
"Hello Giles. It's Wesley here. Is Buffy there?"  
  
Wesley heard Giles shout out through the house for Buffy. A cheery, lively voice filled the air.  
  
"Hi Wesley, what can we do for you? Some big, bad, uglies to kill?"   
  
"No Buffy, well sort of. There has been a few problems here and we need your help to sort of get things back on track."  
  
"Wesley, your going all cryptic on me. What is this? An FBI secret?"  
  
Wesley let out an awkward laugh. "No, I'll start from the beginning. About three months ago, Cordelia was kidnapped and we couldn't find her." He heard Buffy gasp. "But we have her back now. She was being sold at a demon auction." He heard Buffy sigh out her gasped breath. "But she's in a bad way and I don't mean physically. Tonight she tried to kill Angel and started talking nonsense about doctors and injections. We think that the people that took her did experiments on her."  
  
"Why would they do experiments on Cordelia never mind sell her a DEMON auction? I'm confused."  
  
Wesley let out an exasperated sigh. "She gets visions from the Powers That Be and she was given them by her half-demon friend Doyle. Anyway these people were trying to find out how her visions worked. They figured out chemicals that induced her visions and started making her have them. She is really bad but Angel won't let her go to the hospital to get help. He thinks that he caused this because Doyle gave her the visions so Angel and Cordelia would stay together until the end. The city needs him but this thing with Cordelia is controlling him so I'm asking you to come here and help me fight the demons that Cordelia  
sees in her visions."  
  
God Wesley, you people don't do things by halves. I'll get Xander, Anya and Willow to cover my butt and I'll be there in about three hours. I'll bring Riley and we'll stay with my dad."  
  
"No, I think it would be better if you came alone for Angels sake, his state of mind is starting to fray, and you can stay in the guest room in the apartment for when Cordelia gets a vision."  
  
Buffy hesitantly agreed and was on her way.  
  
Three Hours Later:  
--------------------------  
  
Buffy lunged her rucksack down the narrow stair case into Angels apartment, not finding anyone in the office.  
  
"Hello," She called out in the echoing apartment. "Is anyone there."   
  
Buffy heard the television off the right of her. She stared around the corner to see Cordelia sitting on the sofa in the living room looking at the TV but not registering with what was on it.  
  
"I'm over here." A voice in the dark, off in the opposite direction, startled her.  
  
"You still like to sulk in the dark I see." Buffy slung at Angel.  
  
"Buffy, don't start, things are bad enough just now without you sticking your 2 bit in as well. Well at least you're here. I didn't know if you would come."  
  
"Angel, Wesley told me what happened. How could I not come? She doesn't seem that bad. Cordelia is just been Cordelia, she likes the attention you give her." Buffy said looking over at Cordelia again.  
  
"Shut up!" Angel shouted at her. "You don't think she is seeing anything on that TV do you. She has been sitting in that position for 2 hours, staring at the same space. She hasn't even blinked. Cordelia tried to kill me earlier on for God sakes Buffy, do you think that is fishing for attention. She needs help, and I'm the only one that can help her. I'll take you through to your room."  
  
He guided Buffy through passed his bedroom and a little down the hall. They pasted the bathroom and she seen both Angels clothes and Cordelias clothes lying haphazardly on the floor. She dumped her bag on her bed and back through to the living room to see Cordelia.  
  
"Hiya Cordelia." There was no response. Buffy sat down on the sofa beside her huddled up form. "What are you watching?" Cordelia still didn't answer her. "OK...really into conversation aren't you?"   
  
The old grandfather clock struck 2am and Cordelia got up without looking at Buffy or Angel as she passed and walked like a robot through to Angels room. She curled up on the top half of the bed and pulled the top sheet around her and closed her eyes, like she was being turned off for the night.  
  
Buffy followed her after more of the silent treatment from Angel. She huffed off to her room, retreating with:  
  
"You're gonna have to start talking to me at some stage if you expect me to help."  
  
Buffy awoke, bolting up right in fear. She heard that painful scream coming from a room down the hall. She grabbed the stake by her bed and crept out into the hallway. She passed the bathroom, nothing, then she heard another crash. She raced down to Angels bedroom. She round the door frame, her stake held high ready for the attack but not for what she saw. She watched in horror as Cordelia frayed her arms at Angel and was thumping him with her fists while shouting at him to get away from her. A shattered lamp lay idly on the floor, the cause of the smash Buffy had heard. She watched intensely as Angel grabbed Cordelia  
gently by the arms and pulled her into him. Her angry, protesting shouts dying out as her tears took over and she crumpled into the Slayer's ex-lovers arms and they both sunk to the polished floor. Buffy watched, a pang of jealousy ripped through her as she watched Angel stroke Cordelias hair, whispering in her ear but Buffy senses hearing every word.  
  
"Cordelia, Cordelia listen to me, it was only a dream. Your safe now, you're here with me now. No one will hurt you, I promise."  
  
Cordelia raised her head and looked into his eyes. "Angel? Angel is that really you? Am I dreaming?"  
  
"No Cora your not dreaming, I'm really here. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Buffy felt a stab of pain to her heart as Angel sat with Cordelia in his lap and called her by a nickname. Xander had done that to Cordelia but he loved her. Angel was meant to be her eternal lover.   
  
"You weren't there when I needed you. You left me on my own. You didn't come and rescue me. I waited for you...but you never...came." She muttered through her tears. "Wasn't I worthy enough for the Dark Avenger? How...could you...leave me?" She started to pound Angels chest. "You just fucking left me. I went insane in that place. I watched all the demons...die in front of me. I don't...know what the chemicals...they filled me with have done to me. I could have...HIV for all I know. I stopped caring because there was...nothing left for me to care about. The only thing that stopped me from taking...the needles to my wrists was my love for you, my hope of you coming to get me. I lost my hope and after that my body lived on but my soul had...died. You can't expect everything return back to the hunky dory way it was three months ago. Angel, I need to stop blaming...you and...myself for this. My world is the only place that I can do that. When I'm well...enough to stand in the shower myself, without you holding up, that was real wasn't it." A nod from Angel satisfied that question. "Then I'm gonna...go away, I don't know where, but I need to stop all the pain and the hurt...and find my hope and faith again."  
  
Cordelia wiped the back of her hand across her face, her eyes red from the tears that soaked the back of her hand. She reached up her hand to Angels face and wipe his bloody tears away, letting the bloody spread across her hand like rivers. She didn't want to leave him but that was the only option she had left. She didn't hate him, she loved him and nothing would ever destroy that but the mixture of blame and the truth that he would never love her back was too much of a bitter pill for her to swallow.  
  
"Cordelia, don't go. Please I'm begging you don't leave. Not when I've just got you back. I tried to look for you, you ask every snitch in this city that now has a black eye twice over. I hunted for you all over the city even tried to trace you abroad but nothing. Who ever they were, they kept you well hidden. I even asked a minister to find you and he told me the same thing I'll tell you: The hope you seek comes from your faith in each other, not from God. If you keep believing in yourself and believe in what YOU want then it will be fine. I'm not saying it can be fixed straight away. Let me look after you till you fit enough then let someone else help you and I'll stay away until your ready. Just don't leave me, not now."  
  
The two sunk into each other, no one noticing Buffy slipping away crying to herself. The stayed in each others arms until Angel felt Cordelia at rest and placed her carefully back into bed. He lay down next to her on top of the covers, stroking her long, brown hair and watching the comforting sight of her chest falling and raising. He took a hold of her hand that was just loosely discarded on top of the bed and placed it in his own. He just needed a piece of her to know that no one had taken her away from him or she hadn't crept away in the middle of the day, not that she had the strength to.  
  
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OK that's part two and part three is already in the pipeline because I'm snowed in and probably will be on my birthday! Never mind at least I got home tonight. I can't decide on an ending. Whether she should go back to him or stay away. Let me know. I know you will all say, stay together because they are such a great couple but think about it from the story's point of view please.  



	3. Part Three

OK This is the third part in the Lost Without Hope series.   
Disclaimer: i own nothing, i only like to play with them and they all belong to Joss and Davids imagination, oh yeah and the people they belong to!  
Summary: What not to do when your car breaks down, it'll teach ya to charge your cell phone up before making a journey in the dark!! Cryptic as usual. OK Cordelia has been found and rescued by Angel three months after she was kidnapped. Now the team at AI must learn to cope with the after effects when minds are already frayed. The only people that can save Angel and Cordelia are each other but they have to get passed guilt, blame and silence to do that. Buffy comes to town to help Angel out but she has a bigger part to play and may not like the out come. Like they say, the truth hurts just too much.  
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Three Weeks After Part Two Finished:  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
Cordelia woke up again with the bulky figure beside her, holding on to her hand for dear life. She had been waking up like this for three weeks. She liked in the light that it was something real to remind her this wasn't a dream, but she felt closed in, unable to find herself again so she reclined back into her own slightly withdrawn world. She shied away from any contact with Angel, for fear of him disappearing again and partly because her head blamed him for her kidnap but her heart knew it wasn't true. Her heart was the only thing that stopped her from breaking down into the crumbled mess she was before only worse after all she no longer lived with hope so something had to be keeping her in this reality. But being there wasn't enough anymore, she wanted the old Cordelia Chase back or the Cordelia Chase that existed and celebrated when Angel received his permanent soul as a reward for his redemption seeking that he had continued for a year. That Cordelia Chase was buried deep inside of her screaming to be let out again. She wriggled her hand free of Angels, stretching it free of the cramps from Angels tight grasp. He slept peacefully beside her, well he should be, it was daytime. She picked herself off the bed and wandered through the apartment that had become her home. Dennis had been uprooted there two weeks ago as an attempt at helping to settle Cordelia a little more. She felt the coolness of her silk night robe around her shoulder.  
  
"Thanks Dennis." She muttered walking through to the kitchen.  
  
She found Buffy sitting at the kitchen table, sipping at a mug of coffee. A green mug slowly floated it's way  
over to Cordelia and tapped down softly in front of her.  
  
"Thanks Dennis." She said, yawning away the nights sleep.  
  
"Cordelia don't you think that you should get out of apartment for a while? You've been back for  
nearly four weeks now and you haven't been outside once. Your pale, and withdrawn. God if the Scooby gang could see you now, the former May Queen, tan junkie, all pale and almost as pale as Angel they would never believe me." Buffy stopped her vent on Cordelia as she heard Angel rustling in his bedroom.  
  
Angel sulked into the kitchen as Dennis pored another mug in the direction of Angel this time full of blood. He had never felt comfortable vamping and drink blood in front of Buffy, no matter how comfortable he was with Cordelia. Instead he went into the only private place in the whole apartment, the bathroom. He came back through, mug in hand, licking the rest of the blood off his redrawn teeth.  
  
"So Buffy what are you going top do today?"   
  
"Me and Cordelia are going to the...park then we are going to do some shopping later on. Then we might go to the pier. You know things what normal people do."  
  
Cordelia sensed an argument about to erupt and as usual it was about her. She picked up her mug and went into the bathroom again and began to get washed and showered. Angel had long since stopped bathing her when he realised she didn't like it and she was strong enough to hold herself up in the shower. She turned the dial up to the hottest setting as she now done and let the roasting hot droplets sear over her, her body screaming out for her to stop.  
  
Meanwhile in the kitchen:  
  
Buffy stood to match Angels now defensive pose.   
  
"Angel, get a grip. She has been back here for four weeks and you haven't once left her side longer than two minutes. You let me and Wesley take up your slack of patrolling, which we don't mind doing, but you have to give her space." Buffy shouted at the stubborn Vampire.  
  
"She. Is. Not. Leaving. This. Apartment. Now which part of that didn't you understand. She isn't  
ready to go out and be with other people. She needs to be looked after. What if she has a vision or they try to kidnap her again."  
  
"God Angel, you act like she's your property." Buffy retorted back at him. "I'm the Slayer remember I can kick people ass if they try to touch Cordelia and are you going to mody cuddle her all of her life. She needs other PEOPLE."  
  
"She belongs to me!" Angel yelled in Buffys face, vamping out of a second before returning to normal, just in time to feel the hard, deafening slap of Buffy hand across his face.  
  
"Cordelia doesn't belong to you or anyone."  
  
Buffy stormed towards the bathroom as Cordelia came out dressed in dark blue jeans and a white three  
quarter length jumper. She walked over to Angel and saw the red hand print and the blue bruise already  
forming on his face.  
  
"So she slapped you huh." Cordelia stated before returning to the bedroom to put on some make-up.  
  
Angel reeled from the shock of having Buffy slap him again, the reason behind the slap, he had staked a claim on Cordelia knowing that she was a free spirit, also that Cordelia was wearing something else other than his baggy shirt and jogging pants. He could see the old Cordelia he loved slowly coming out of the shell of the woman that he had seen for the last few weeks.  
  
Cordelia emerged from the bedroom wearing a shimmer of eye shadow and a dark lipstick that emphasised Cordelias paleness. She sat down in the living room and her favourite denim jacket floated towards her courtesy of Dennis. Buffy breezed out of the bathroom 10 minutes late, fully dressed. She was wearing fawn Capri pants, a white top and a handkerchief held back her loose blonde hair. She was all set for a girls day out.  
  
"Right we're borrowing your car, be back before dark and um...trust me."  
  
Buffy grabbed the convertible keys from the sideboard and stormed out of the door. Cordelia followed Buffy willingly, like she wanted an excuse to escape, not looking back at the now placid Vampire.  
  
Buffy drove like a maniac through the LA, used to the streets of Sunnydale, she got lost very quickly so  
Cordelia took over. She drove them to Griffith Park in the city centre. They walked through the lush green  
landscape in almost silence except for the occasional, "You OK?" answered by a mumbled. "Yeah." They both sat on a bench and sunned themselves in the late summer sun, Cordelia wearing sunglasses because her eyes clamped shut as soon as she stepped outside of the office.  
  
"Cordelia you can't keep this up. Your hurting everybody around you including Wesley and yourself. Maybe that's what you want, to punish all he people you feel let you down when you went missing."  
  
"No, I don't want to hurt Wesley, I don't even want to hurt Angel but I can't help it. After what  
they did to me in that lab I don't trust people or Vampires anymore."  
  
"What did they do to you at the lab Cordelia?"  
  
"Buffy I...." Cordelia hesitated. "They kidnapped me one night. The heap of junk I call a car broke  
down and I tried to call Angel to come and get me but the battery on my cell phone ran out before I could tell him where I was and he was out patrolling. They covered my face with something and the last thing I remember was a guy saying, "Well Done, the boss will be happy." I woke up in a cage with chains on my wrists. They said 'SEER 12,000 REMOVED.' When I looked around me there were demons in chains all around me, pacing their cages day in, day out. I waited for a few days until a doctor in a white coat showed up and gave me an injection to knock me out. I woke up again strapped to a clinical bed by metal restraints and hooked up to an IV. I to struggle, to get away, but I couldn't. I really wanted to but I couldn't."  
  
"I know Cordelia. There was nothing you could have done."  
  
"They filled me up with chemicals to remove my 'gift' but I held onto them for dear life. It was my  
last reminder of Doyle and if I lost my purpose, what was keeping my at Angel Investigations? When they  
couldn't remove the visions, they decided to try and induce them instead. I was their new project."  
  
"God, Cordelia, I never knew, does Angel? I mean it might help him understand a bit better. He's  
breaking apart. I've never seen him like this before." Buffy said thoughtfully  
  
"I have. It was when we first met up. He rescued me from a big evil Vamp. He was like a lost puppy, he didn't know how to function without you. He would still and stare at his silver ring for hours. You were the biggest part of his life and now he had to try and cope without you after living with you for three years. When Doyle died he realised that he had to move on, leave his Sunnydale memories behind. He blamed himself over Doyles death, for not warning us in time, and he brooded but we were both grieving. I had realised what I really felt for Doyle and before he died, he kissed me goodbye and passed on his visions."  
  
Buffy could tell she was off the subject but she let her vent all that was bottled up in a hope that it might  
bring her out of her reclusive shell.   
  
"We both grieved together, sharing the pain of losing a friend. I still found Angel brooding about you or Doyle but I used to drag him out of it by taking him, unwillingly, to a club to dance."   
  
Cordelia giggled at the memory of when she saw Angel first dance at a party she threw. She suddenly snapped back to telling Buffy what had happened in the lab in her distant monotone voice.  
  
"They tried all sorts of chemicals to try and make my visions appear but they didn't work. I used to scream out in pain, my veins aching as the chemicals coursed through my blood stream. I tried to struggle but it was hopeless. In the end I stopped caring, caring made me weak and I couldn't be weak or they would break and kill me. Instead I would look up and stare at the ceiling and count the white tiles above me. Do you know that there were 110 tiles on that ceiling. It sounds insane but it kept me going. Then the next to go was my hope. After all what is the point of hope if wasn't going to get me anywhere? So instead of counting tiles I started to live in memories, warmed by their fleeting fire. Then I escaped into dreams about what I wished would happen. they would always end up in strong arms but the doctors would come and take me away. At last they found out how to control the visions and put me up for auction at the LA Plaza. Wolfram and Hart were going to buy me because of my link to Angel. They thought they could use me to bring back Angelus, after all they know about his fascination with me."  
  
Buffy sat there in shock. She couldn't believe that Cordelia had been through that. In Sunnydale she had only seen the bitchy ex-May Queen that had too much money and who's butt she had to save all the time. This Cordelia had come to LA, after her parents had lost all their money to the IRS, in a bid to find fame and  
fortune and even more attention but nearly ended up as a Vampire snack. Then she had lost someone she really cared for, as well as trying to cope with the onslaught of visions. Buffy could sympathise, she had to deal with moving house, being told about her Chosen ability and then all of a sudden being thrown into a world of evil, prophecies and witchcraft. There was on big difference, Buffy didn't have choice where as Cordelia continued to have the visions for Angels sake. A pang of jealousy ran through Buffy before she decided that she knew Cordelia Chase too well and that the Cordelia Chase she knew was the same bitchy back-stabbing ex-cheerleader she would always be. A leopard never changes it's spots.  
  
"What do you mean 'to get to Angelus?'" Buffy asked surprised at the mention of Angels alter ego.  
  
"Oh Angelus escaped a few months ago thanks to a has been actress that Angel took a fancy to. She drugged him with Bliss Pills and bang...Angelus was released. We drugged him into a coma after Wesley knocked him out. We chained him to the bed and left Angel there, once he had woken up as Angel again, to think about the consequences of his actions. Lindsey found out at Wolfram and Hart 'Cos he was Rachel's lawyer. They vowed then to release Angelus again. I guess I was just another part of that plan."  
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Part Four coming soon! Tell me, what do ya think? 


	4. Part Four

OK I am finishing this series here because it is causing me too many sleepless nights sitting in my computer unfinished so here you are. Nuttyginger  
Disclaimer: The usual; I own nothing and Joss and WB, Fox and Mutant (grr, arr) Enemy Inc. Do. I own the plot, sort of, under copyright laws!!!! He He He.  
Summary: What not to do when your car breaks down, it'll teach ya to charge your cell phone up before making a journey in the dark!! Cryptic as usual. OK Cordelia has been found and rescued by Angel three months after she was kidnapped. Now the team at AI must learn to cope with the after effects when minds are already frayed. The only people that can save Angel and Cordelia are each other but they have to get passed guilt, blame and silence to do that. hen Buffy enters the equation and life gets that bit more complacated!  
  
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Lost Without Hope - Part Four  
------------------------------------------  
  
Cordelia lapsed off into her silent world again and stood up. She matched off in the direction of the parks exit, leaving Buffy to run after her. The petite blonde struggled to keep up, even with her Slayer strength, with the brunette.  
  
"Cordelia where are you going?" Buffy caught up with her and grabbed Cordeliasarm. "CORDELIA! STOP."  
  
Cordelia whirled around with a smile on her face, the wind blowing her brown curls from her face. "We're going to Starbucks for coffee. I want a Caffe Latte."  
  
The two girls headed off toward the car and then into the city. Cordelia felt a little release since venting to her once rival but dreading returning back to Angel Investigation and facing her boss. Buffy thought about the woman, who had once tried to break her and Angel up when they first found each other, was now spending 24 hours a day 7 days a week with the him, up close and personal, 2 and a half hours from her watchful eye. Her despise of the slowly aspiring brunette beside her grew with each step she took.  
  
The two women finally arrived at the coffee house and sat down with two Caffe Lattes in front of them. Buffy sensed that Cordelia was more relaxed in the surroundings of the coffee house so she thought it would be a good time to find out about Cordelia and Angels relationship now that the little green monster of envy had taken hold of her.  
  
"So how come you'll talk to me without any problems but when it comes to talking to Angel, you blank him out and shrink away into your own little world?" Buffy asked coming off a little more harshly than she intended due to Cordelia state of mind and her own need of information.  
  
"Part of me, my head and my memories, blame Angel because he could save everyone but me. But the other part of me, my heart, tells me that Angel loves me and would never let anything happen me if he could. He used to get all concerned and fuss over me when I got a paper cut. I just need space to get my head to agree with my heart and get on with things."  
  
Cordelia stared down at the now empty cup with frothy milk still in the bottom. She thought over what she had just said. She had, in her heart, forgiven Angel because that's what her love for him had allowed her to but her head was different matter. Cordelia felt a soft nudge on her shoulder.  
  
"Space Cadet, you ready to go home?" Buffy asked seeing she had cast adrift again.  
  
They both climbed back inside Angels black convertible and headed back to the office, Cordelia at the wheel.  
  
Angel was sitting at the table in the lowly lit kitchen, studying a glossy photo very hard. It was a model shot of Cordelia taken a week before she disappeared. She was smiling the plastic smile that she always wore when ever they had clients or she was meeting people for the first time. That smile was one of her many masks. He had seen the real smile, the smile that she kept for him, or if she had fallen asleep on his couch, she would lightly smile. It was enough of a smile to brighten up his darkened apartment. He missed that smile. He heard two sets of footsteps climb into the elevator and descend into the foyer of the apartment. Buffy peered around the door and Angel quickly hid the photo under his large Inca text, standing to greet his former love.  
  
"Hello Buffy, nice day?"   
  
Angel watched Cordelia tip-toe past Buffy and into the living room away from him. He tried to turn his attention back to Buffy but was drawn to Cordelias still form sitting on the couch.  
  
"Yeah I was nice, normal. We went to the park and sat for a while. Cordelia acted really weird about it. She said the bench was special. Then we went to Starbucks for coffee and came home. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. What do you want me to say Angel. It was all rosy and fun!"  
  
"The bench was probably Doyles bench. Cordelia likes to sit there and think, so do I, when it gets dark though."  
  
"Can I use your phone to call Willow. You know make sure no one is trying to raise the Hellmonth again, since it was such fun the fourth time round."  
  
"Yeah sure, use the one in my room. I'm gonna try and speak to Cordelia."  
  
Buffy headed off in the direction of Angels bedroom, noticing the bottom of the photo sticking out from under the text. She sat down on the edge of Angels king-sized bed and dialled the familiar Sunnydale number.  
  
"Hello." Willow Rosenburghs cheery voice filled the line.  
  
"Hiya Willow, it's Buffy checking in. How are you guys? Any big uglies causing big Hellmouth trouble? How's Giles?"  
  
"Hi Buffy, things are ticking over nicely. Spike's still neutered and he's camping out at my apartment since Giles had Olivia over. Giles is at a bit of a loose end, with you being gone to LA and now Olivia. He misses you. Speaking of LA, how's Cordelia?" The red head lowered her voice as if Cordelia could hear her.  
  
"She's been through hell, well the human version of it. She was kidnapped by some people who conducted the experiments on her. They pumped her full of god knows what. She was like a shell when Angel found her."  
  
"Hold on what are visions?"  
  
"They are these movie show things in her head, sent to help Angel. They seem to hurt her like hell or she is just playing the Chase Drama Queen. She got them from kissing her 'friend'; he was half demon. She's called a seer or a messenger now. I don't think there isn't anything Cordelia hasn't screw in this town."  
  
"Buffy! I know you and Cordelia didn't get on but she has been through a lot by the sound of it." Willow was shocked at her best friends attitude to the ex-Sunnydale cheerleader.  
  
"I think I have a right to be since she is now trying to jump Angels bones as well. The first night I stayed here I heard screaming and shouting. Cordelia had, had a vision, which I had to go and fight, and she was pounding her fists into Angel. She was screaming at him like a Banshee and he just took it. They both ended up on the floor, whispering to each other. I stood and watched. She told him that the only thing that kept her from killing herself was the fact that she loved him. She sat there in HIS lap and told HIM that she LOVED him." Buffy fumed. "Then me and Angel had an argument 'Cos he wouldn't let Cordelia out of the apartment. He kept yelling at me. He shouted at me that Cordelia belonged to him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he was picking her over me so I slapped him hard and me and Cordelia left."  
  
"Why did you slap him Buffy?" Willow asked, watching Spike vamp out in front of her and down his blood in one go. "Spike, go do that in private." She yelled of the phone.  
  
"He thinks Cordelia is his! It's like he has forgotten about me. I mean nothing to him anymore. Because I can't believe he picked her, She finally got her man."  
  
"Buffy, maybe this isn't what it looks like. They have lost a friend together, they both escaped Sunnydale because they didn't fit in any more, if they ever did. Now Cordelia has these visions to help Angel. They depend on each other for safety and support. It's just like you, me, Xander and Giles." Willow stated suddenly understanding why Angel and Cordelia had ram away from Sunnydale.  
  
"Xander, that's it. She's doing this to get back at me for Xander. He always preferred me to her. She threw it in my face once when Xander was hurt, that Xander would always come running to me when ever we both were in trouble."  
  
"It was me and Xander that cheated on them, not you. Maybe this isn't' about you anymore. I know your the Slayer, chosen to fight for the world but there are some things that just aren't about you."  
  
Buffy stared at the phone in disbelief. Her best friend had just stood up for her bitchy arch-nemesis and the man who was a vampire that killed her teacher and put her in hospital. "Willow how can you say that? I phoned you for support not a slap down."  
  
"Buffy, Cordelia is in trouble and needs your help or Angels help. You shouldn't care if it's you help, Wesley's help or Angels help. Buffy, your job s to save innocent people, Cordelia is an innocent and you have to..."  
  
"Willow don't bother. I'll speak to you when I get back."  
  
Buffy placed the receiver back on it's cradle and let out a frustrated growl. She could hear screaming in the other room, Cordelia and Angel were at it again. She went through to the guest room and grabbed her duster. She stormed passed the arguing couple without looking back at either of them.  
  
Cordelia backed slowly away form Angel as he tried to calm her shaking form.  
  
"Stay away form me. I mean it Angel." Angel went to pull her into his arms again. "Angel get away from me. I'm dirty."  
  
"Cora, calm down please. What do you mean, your dirty?"  
  
"I'm dirty. All the chemicals they pumped into me, they made me dirty."  
  
"Cora we have to talk about this, you can't keep backing away from me. I need your help like you need mine."  
  
"Great Mr Vampire with a soul wants to talk. You never talk. You wanna talk, fine we'll talk." Cordelia shouted, her hands placed firmly on her hips.  
  
They both sat down on opposite ends of the couch. Angel looked at his seer, no longer seeing the shell of a woman he first rescued but still not the Cordelia that he had seen dancing in a club, radiating her confidence to the people around her. This was his newly-found seer, the weeks after Doyle had died.  
  
"I have a fair idea what happened to you, I know you hate me and blame me for what happened to you but I want to help you."  
  
Angel prepared for a retort or Cordelias quick tongue. Instead she turned and looked straight at him for the first time. Her face softened at him and her furrowed brow eased.  
  
"I don't hate you, I can't hate you. You've saved my life so many times, both here and in Sunnydale. I blamed you at first because you were meant to come and rescue people in trouble but you didn't rescue me and I felt let down by you. Wesley sat sown and told me how you gave up 3 months of your redemption to try and find me. He told me you beat up every snitch in LA and made him phone every hospital between here and Sunnydale everyday. It took me a while to adjust. I had spent all 92 days  
dreaming of you finding me or waking up in your arms, living in dreams. When you did find me at the Plaza, my dreams became too real, then when I was waking up next to you each morning I was so scared I was going to lose you all over again."  
  
She began to weep again. Angel slid along the couch and slid his arms around her. She leaned into his chest, ruffling her face into his white vest top, taking in long, deep breaths of him.  
  
Angel couldn't think of one thing to say. Half of his not wanting to shatter the moment and the other half of him delighting to have her in his arms, safe and sound. Angelus purred inside him, contented to have his newest obsession back within his grasp again. Instead Angel pulled her back into his chest, lying down on the couch. Cordelia automatically swung her legs up and lowered her back, fitting perfectly into Angels unbeating chest. He draped one of his hand over the top half of her arms and gently stroked the now colouring, soft skin. He felt her shudder.  
  
Cordelia shivered slightly at his cold touch then at the soothing movements of his finger. She felt herself slipping into a sleep, smiling.  
  
Buffy walked through the silent upper office contented. She had pulled herself together, having slammed, kicked and dusted her anger away. She had thought things through in her head. Buffy was going to make sure that Cordelia never got her hands on Angel. She wandered silently down the wooden stairs, hearing no more shouting or smashing. 'Cordelia must have fleed out, back into her own little world!' Buffy thought to herself. She quietly walked into the apartment and seen the back of Angels head over the top of the sofa arm, one of his arms draped over the back of his head. She was about to say 'Hi' when she spotted a  
manicured hand and thin arm hanging over the edge of the sofa cushions edge. The anger surged back into Buffy body and Willows words came flooding into her thoughts. 'Maybe it isn't what it looks like.' "Like hell, what else can it be?"  
  
"Well Cordelia, you finally did it huh. You got your man. I knew you gave up to easily when Angel first showed up, mind you, I didn't think you were one for casts offs."  
  
Cordelia sprung up fully awake and felt Angel squeeze her arms slightly to let her know he was there. Her natural instincts took over her and she defended her family the only way she knew how: Insults.  
  
"Angel isn't a cast off! What right do you think you have coming into Angels home and slagging him off? You really are a selfish bitch. I thought when you took me out today you done it out of kind, that maybe the Slayer self-absorbed attitude you seem to carry around with you had gone but I will be the first to admit I'm wrong."  
  
"Oh Cordelia Chase, still playing the wounded victim. What was it Cordelia, the part where he is a Vampire, or thinking YOU could turn him back into Angelus with one moment of happiness that turned you on?  
  
Cordelia raised her hand and with every bit of force she could muster, she slapped Buffy across the face. She knew no matter how hard she hit the Slayer, it wouldn't hurt her, only piss her off even more.  
  
"For your information Buffy, his soul is permanent. God not even the love of his un-life could find a way but me and Wesley did. We did because we stick around when the going gets tough and Angelus starts surfacing. What is your problem anyway?"  
  
Buffy stared blankly at Angel who just looked guiltily away from her. "Permanent. Why didn't you...? My problem is that he seems to have forgotten what happens when he falls in love, but that isn't a problem anymore."  
  
"Buffy what are you talking about? Angel isn't in love with anyone. Angel doesn't date. Have you lost the plot between this morning and now? You under a spell again?" Cordelia waved her hand in front of Buffys face.  
  
"No, I heard Angel, the first night I got here, calling you Cora. Xander used to call you Cordy but that was 'Cos he loved you. I saw the clothes lying on the floor in the bathroom, I take it you to got personal in the shower. Then today when me and you went out you kept saying 'Angels love' or your love for Angel. You love each other. I don't understand why you called me out here. Was it 'Cos I told you about Riley? This was just rub your new lives in my face."  
  
"Buffy how could you be so childish. I needed you to help me defend the city when I had no one to turn to. I could rely on you and face you even after all we've been through together. Now I have a family to take care of. Don't think for a moment that I don't think about you but I will never replace you ever. No one can replace you or anyone else I have in my life. Not like you with Riley. I mean how long was it? 3 moths?" Angel asked now standing up.  
  
Angel staggered back as he felt Buffys fist connected with his face then doubled over when he felt the full wrath of Buffys anger in a kick to his stomach.   
  
"So you wanna turn this into a full out spar? 'Cos I'm ready for you Angel, I have been for a long time."  
  
"STOP IT!" Cordelia shouted. "Oh yeah beating the crap out of each other is really gonna solve this. Buffy you go into the living room and wait for me. Angel, punch bag, take your anger out on that for a while, while I talk to Buffy. Maybe I can get through to her."  
  
Cordelia walked away from the padded room hearing the thump of the punch bag that would probably need replacing by the end of the night.  
  
Cordelia joined the pacing Slayer in the living room.  
  
"Buffy what you said in there was not needed. God I don't get you sometimes. You brush in and out of here, shouting the odds off at everybody and then breeze back out leaving me and Wesley to pick up the brooding pieces and put them back together only to have you breeze back in and break him again. I think you should call Riley and leave. I would strongly suggest staying in Sunnydale, live your life and we'll find ours again. The phone is over there."  
  
Cordelia listened to Buffy explain why she had been LA so long to her boyfriend and then begged him to come and pick her up rather than getting the Greyhound home.  
  
"He'll be here in 30 minutes. He was training near-by with the army so...I think I'll just go pack up my stuff. Cordelia, maybe people do change but I just don't want them to. I wanna change and the world to stay the same. I guess that is the selfish part of me saying that I deserve it after all I do for it. But I'll still never forgive you."  
  
"That doesn't matter to me, 'Cos you never cared what happened to me but thank-you for today. I may not have been much for you but an information search but it really helped me out. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't."  
  
Cordelia walked away into their training room, leaving Buffy to pick up her stuff and pack. Cordelia found Angel sitting on the padded mats, the punch bag lying in a pile of it's own fluff, dead having serve it's purpose as a, punch bag.   
  
"You OK?" Cordelia asked sitting down beside him.  
  
"Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just thinking things through, not brooding yet, just thinking. You seemed to snapped back to the old you pretty fast."  
  
"It was Buffy, she was trying to make out that what we have here is wrong, tainted in some way, but I know it isn't. I know that I have nothing to do with Sunnydale anymore but I still care what people there think of me. I don't want them think I am some lover stealing, phycoed out whore that sleeps her way around LA unlike what Buffy would like to think. I guess we're OK now?"  
  
Angel looked straight into Cordelias eyes and seen his old friend back in residence. He smiled for the first time in months. His Cora was back and she was safe.   
  
"Yeah Cora. Yeah Things are OK."  
  
He slid his strong arms around her and pulled her gentle to him. Cordelia beamed just to be back in his strong arms again.  
  
Strong Arms  
**************  
  
The demons come, they plague my mind  
I grasp at any hope I find  
I wake up screaming to find you there  
You hold me close, just to care  
  
Your arms wrapped around me  
Being there is all you can be  
The strength in your hold  
Banishes the nightmares cold  
  
The fear grips me once again as I close my eyes  
I'm scared of the demons and all their lies  
But your arms protect me  
Expel all the demons that I see  
  
Your peace surrounds me and the nightmare drops  
The demons disappear and the fear stops  
Green fields and poppy seeds  
This is where your peace leads  
  
I'm surrounded by your desire  
Nestled in your hearts living fire  
The warmth fills my being  
You are all I am seeing  
  
I thank you once again for this protective feeling  
Fate holds the cards and he is dealing  
My card came up and I have you  
You hold me close, nothing left to do.  
  
Zoe Morrison  
  
*********************************************************************************************************************************  
Well That's All Folks. Yes I have finally finished this series at 00:12 on 11th of March 2001. Let me know what you think. I havea follow up to Holding On coming up called Two Kids And Deed To Do. Yes it has kids in it duh. So let me know how well I did or even better how badly I done, do to the fact that a slagging off just makes me write better as does praise! I'll stop babbling now 'Cos the sleep is setting in 


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